Santa
Santa is actually Bad Santa when he's drunk. When he's high, he's considered to be High Santa instead. He's usually not a big fan of getting high, though, but doesn't mind when a little kid may spice the cookies with cocaine (or something). How you can tell if Santa's drunk or not is that he'll be making a whole lot of noise and breaking things as he's walking through your house and he'll leave by jumping out the window as fast as he can if you spot him. Also, when Santa's drunk, he'll be smoking, too, and you'll find a whole bunch of smoke trapped in your living room when you wake up, and all your pictures' frames on the wall will be broken, due to the fact that he uses pictures as punching bags. Characteristics Actions The regular Santa prefers to magically snap his fingers into the home of every child and/or go through the chimney, but after he started gaining weight from drinking and eating too much, he currently likes to simply take a wrench and break the window so he can get in that way. Santa often steals more things than he leaves, now, and when he's drunk, he usually just steals all your things and doesn't leave anything. What he does leave is usually broken dishes in your kitchen from where he was stealing all your food. Occasionally he leaves a pile of coal on the floor with a note that says: "You've been a very bad boy/girl this year, Name Here, and I've left this big pile of coal here so you can cry your little sorry eyes out until you bleed (or whatever). I hope your family dies in hell. You dumb bastards." There are also, often, many grammar errors in the notes he leaves, and they are always typed because he never hand-writes anything, and he always gets Appearance Also, he has a few gangster symbols tattooed onto his arm now and often rolls his sleeves up. He died his hair black and replaced his classic Christmas hat with a black bandana. He carries a knife in his back pocket and started wearing a thick, Harley Davison leather jacket with spikes on the shoulders of it. That is combined with a picture of a rifle on his shirt and a knife with blood on it. Drug dealing Santa, all throughout the 20th century, enjoyed dealing drugs to people during his Santa Claus career. His drug name was The S-Man. One time, however, he was arrested for drug dealing, and he was found guilty in court after a long, seven year court time, making Santa be in debt. He was sentenced to 100 years in jail. He stayed in jail from 1970-1990 when he broke out. But between then, when children were wondering where Santa was, they were just told that Santa fell out of the sky and died, which made them very sad. Kinda funny. His sley (and for all of you who think it's sleigh you're WRONG!!!) Santa's sley is armed with three vulcan cannons, two machine guns, several atomic bombs, fifteen hand grenades, thirty-five different knives, a bullet-proof exterior, and Wolverine-gloves for when he was involved in several different gang wars back in the 1960s. Controversy Money Many critics of whether Santa is real or not believe that since it is completely impossible to live at the North Pole and that he would need food and money to pay for all the stuff he would need to adequately live there. The myth thing People also question whether he is real or not, due to the fact that elves don't exist and how you can't have a factory for building toys to be placed and stationed randomly in the North Pole. It is also questioned where, even if the elves and factory existed, where they could get all the material needed to build the objects with, as there is a large variety of things made and developed in "Santa's Factory". Also, it is impossible to magically poof into people's homes and leave gifts that are determined by whether the boys and girls were naughty or nice. As if Santa would even be able to tell, as if he is able to know what everyone's been doing. So Santa would have to discover a different way to get into the house, if he ever even entered the houses that people say he enters. If this were possible, he would have to, like, break the door down or something. As for transportation, Santa cannot fly across the world in a magical reindeer-powered sley, as it is impossible and magic doesn't exist. So basically people are just f***ing making up s*** about Santa being real, because there's no way he could travel so fast across the world. In one night. That's impossible. Your parents like to lie to you about stuff like that so they can get away with hiding presents under the tree. See also *Jesus *God *Earth Category:Religion Category:Holiday